Membership Revoked

"I was once a member of the Pregnancy Club, my membership card consisting of two pink lines on a stick. I was eager to pay my dues, just like all the other members. Morning sickness, stretch marks, cravings -- I welcomed them all.

But they didn't last. And before I knew it, my membership was revoked. No real reason -- at least none I could discern -- other than bad timing, perhaps. Or, at least, that's what every one's been telling me. That and "God's plan." 

Miscarriage is a terrible word. As if one has dropped something, or carried something incorrectly. Similar to "mistake" or "misunderstanding." How I longed for it to be either of those things when I learned my baby was gone. Surely, it was a mistake, I prayed. If they would just look again, they would learn it was all a simple misunderstanding.

But the ultrasound screen showed otherwise...for the 3rd time.

1 out of every 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, say the books. I ignored this statistic when I was pregnant. So many lost babies, I thought BUT NOT MINE. How could I be so selfish and foolish? Now that mine is one of them, that 1 out of 5 seems awfully small.

At least, it did. Until soft-speaking female voices started whispering to me in my grief, "It happened to me, too." Their eyes tell me the stories of the pain that we share, the pain that only a woman who has carried a child - and lost it - could know. For some, it was fresh pain. For others, it was dulled by healthy babies since born.

A sisterhood of sadness.

It's a silent group, this new club of which I have recently become a reluctant member. Our membership cards are the scars we will always carry on our hearts. Our dues are paid in blood and tears. It is a painful initiation, and one never ceases membership. Because one never forgets.

I am joining, not because I want to, but because I wasn't given the choice. But at least I know I'm not alone. At least I know there are hundreds of thousands of women with me, however silent and invisible, quietly holding my hand."

Thank you to the ladies that have made my initiation a little easier to bare...